That insecurity can harm relationships is not news by any means. And yet it is such a tough nut to crack because even if there is awareness, it is not easily dealt with by either party.
Why am I so insecure? Certainly my past has a large role to play, my parents not being very loving and then various bad experiences in relationships which scarred me and made me afraid of being hurt again. Being unwell with anxiety and mood swings, plus the various effects of trauma, don't help either. I worry about being a burden and that my boyfriend will get fed up with the struggle and leave.
All these problems and difficulties of mine make me doubt my judgement on whether there are things my boyfriend should change, if any. I do take issue with the lack of expression of his feelings towards me. I know that sounds like a terribly needy thing to say, and I am ashamed of it, but I just feel I need more reassurance than I am currently getting, especially (as he points out) when I don't see him for a while. I start sinking, I get resentful, paranoid that he does not care for me or value me as I am, and I have to battle away until I see him, when all of the dark thoughts usually evaporate and are replaced by feelings of happiness, peace and love.
I think it is true that it's largely out of insecurity that I want my boyfriend to tell me more often that he loves me, that I make him happy and enrich his life the way he enriches mine, but the healthy part of me also believes that it's an important part of any relationship to show and say how much you value the other person. Not all of this need has something to do with being insecure or unstable. I (like my boyfriend) grew up in a household where the words "I love you" were never spoken, and I really believe my parents missed a trick. It's like a huge chunk of warmth and care is missing from my childhood. Today I tell my little son all the time that I love him and that he is important and precious to me. I want him never to doubt it, and to be comfortable expressing his own feelings for people.
Luckily my boyfriend is not judgemental when it comes to the insecurity and doesn't ridicule me or shame me more for being like this. And I feel that ultimatly we will manage and perhaps even overcome this issue. I can see he is willing to make an effort for this relationship and we both want the same things, which is to have a nice and joyful life together.
Why am I so insecure? Certainly my past has a large role to play, my parents not being very loving and then various bad experiences in relationships which scarred me and made me afraid of being hurt again. Being unwell with anxiety and mood swings, plus the various effects of trauma, don't help either. I worry about being a burden and that my boyfriend will get fed up with the struggle and leave.
All these problems and difficulties of mine make me doubt my judgement on whether there are things my boyfriend should change, if any. I do take issue with the lack of expression of his feelings towards me. I know that sounds like a terribly needy thing to say, and I am ashamed of it, but I just feel I need more reassurance than I am currently getting, especially (as he points out) when I don't see him for a while. I start sinking, I get resentful, paranoid that he does not care for me or value me as I am, and I have to battle away until I see him, when all of the dark thoughts usually evaporate and are replaced by feelings of happiness, peace and love.
I think it is true that it's largely out of insecurity that I want my boyfriend to tell me more often that he loves me, that I make him happy and enrich his life the way he enriches mine, but the healthy part of me also believes that it's an important part of any relationship to show and say how much you value the other person. Not all of this need has something to do with being insecure or unstable. I (like my boyfriend) grew up in a household where the words "I love you" were never spoken, and I really believe my parents missed a trick. It's like a huge chunk of warmth and care is missing from my childhood. Today I tell my little son all the time that I love him and that he is important and precious to me. I want him never to doubt it, and to be comfortable expressing his own feelings for people.
Luckily my boyfriend is not judgemental when it comes to the insecurity and doesn't ridicule me or shame me more for being like this. And I feel that ultimatly we will manage and perhaps even overcome this issue. I can see he is willing to make an effort for this relationship and we both want the same things, which is to have a nice and joyful life together.
