Overcoming black and white thinking

The good, the bad and the ugly

One if the characteristics of borderline personality disorder is black and white thinking, and this is something I am very aware of in myself at the moment. When I first saw black and white thinking described in a book about BPD some time ago -- just like the other things on the list -- I was stunned. It was a revelation because it applied to so many of my feelings and actions, and grouped them in a clear pattern. I felt my self-knowledge deepened vastly that day and since them I have made a lot of progress in my recovery and how I interact with people.

But the challenges keep coming and on some days I have moments where I think that I ham running out of energy. It's tiring to keep toiling, to keep fighting against the turmoil that constantly wants to creep in and dominate my mind. I no longer have big, threatening worries like last year and the year before, and I am very grateful for that. This current anxiety is low-level but almost constant, bubbling away and ready to flare up when I am triggered, hungry or tired. 

If I look at myself with compassion for a moment, then I can see it is not surprising I still have all this anxiety and vulnerability. I have been struggling with anxiety, depression and mood instability most of my life, at least for as long as I can remember. This is so far just who I am, and meds can only control it up to a certain point. I have already made huge changes to improve my mental health, and I fully expect there will be more to come. 

This is a long-term project, I am fixing a whole person or at least making it easier for that person to live a fulfilled and happy life. 

It is also not surprising that I always feel this pull to seek answers or solace from my boyfriend. I don't want to burden him, and I know from ample past experience that it's not good for me to use my partner as a crutch. Also I don't feel quite present in the relationship at the moment. We had a crisis a couple of weeks ago, which is all resolved now to positive effect, but I haven't yet found the same space again that I shared with him before, that same sense of intimacy and joy and comfort I had in his presence before. Writing that it seems obvious that I will not find this same space again - things have changed, I have changed because that incident made me realise I had been thinking of him in that binary, idealising way again. The only way that makes me feel truly safe. 

But after our disagreement (outlined in a previous post), I have a more realistic image of him now. A whole person, who lives his own life, and who doesn't need or want to share every single thing with me. That is a good thing -but I am struggling to get used to it. I was always very black and white in my approach to people - good or bad, with nothing in between. In my friendships this meant I cut people off when I for some reason became angry or afraid of them. In relationships it made me blind to signals that someone was unsuitable, I idealised them, and we broke up I blamed them for everything and believed they were bad.

There is nothing about my boyfriend that makes him blatantly unsuitable, and it's good to know I like him for who he is. But at the same time, he is like everyone in this world in that he is a mix of good and bad. I have to be able to tolerate this, and not get scared or paranoid. Of course he can always hurt me, betray me, lie to me, but I am not a helpless child, not a victim at his mercy. 

After all, it's not like I am pure myself -  I am just like that too, capable of good but also bad, of being selfish and untruthful. Intellectually this was something I of course grasped before, but to feel it, to apply it, is another story. 

Wishing you good health and peace of mind, 

Rosamer