The anxiety and feelings of instability I have suffered from in recent weeks have eased, but not disappeared. Every day is a struggle, a battle to stay calm, to reason with and soothe myself. It's knackering. How I long for quieter times! But I have to accept that this turmoil is another stage in my recovery, and an important one at that.
Most of my current difficulties are to do with trust. I am in my first serious relationship since I entered recovery after my husband and I separated and I suffered some serious abuse, had a breakdown, was hospitalised and entered SLAA.
I am having to do what feels like a very adult job of working out how to trust someone in a relationship without completely surrendering myself, without losing touch with the reality of what human beings are - changeable and free.
I can easily accept that my trust in my friends and family comes with limits. I set these intuitively or through experience, which is painful sometimes. But I never expect to be able to trust them no matter what - it is not intolerable to me to think that some day they might dislike or disagree with something I do, or betray me in one way or another. So why do I expect this guaranteed safety from a partner? Why can I not accept him as an ordinary, multi-faceted human being, and not as a rigid statue?
Basically, I don't feel safe. I feel afraid. I suppose this is to be expected, given the abuse I suffered in the past. But knowing this doesn't help.
I can see now that the conflict with my boyfriend over his ex visiting was really just a hook for this problem, that it was there before. I have written before about how in the past I suppressed my true feelings about men because I thought they could offer me safety. My craving to be protected trumped my values and aspirations for a relationship.
I broke this cycle by attending SLAA and undergoing therapy but I now actually have to learn to trust wisely, like an adult...and this seems almost impossible at the moment. How does anyone trust anyone? I am terrified.
I remind myself that my boyfriend deserves to be trusted but it doesn't help for long. I begin to question everything, including him and myself and my whole perception of reality. I have been there before, and it's not pretty.
Last night we talked for a long time. We talked about the ex, about her disappointment that he has moved on. Their story is a messy one and it wasn't helped by him mismanaging her visit, not being open about his new relationship with her or about her visit with me. Christ, it really doesn't look good on paper, does it! But I am satisfied with what he has said about it all - it was a mistake, and he apologised to both of us.
If in my situation, my ex would have interrogated me endlessly, demanded to see all communication, worn me down with questions and accusations until he felt satisfied. It was terrifying, but a part of me is tempted to behave like that because it feels like knowledge will somehow soothe the pain.
But then there is always more you could know...it's never enough. Worse still, my boyfriend has a habit of contradicting himself on minor details, which totally freaks me out. Last night I found myself looking at him as if he was a complete stranger and thinking: What am I doing here? Is he just some liar? Even if he lies without malice but just for convenience - can I handle that?
I told him I was terrified he would hurt me, and he said that while we were together, he would give me no reason to be hurt. Is this really a promise people make? I guess such a statement says more on his intentions, on the strength of his feelings towards me, rather than being a real promise to hold him to, and I appreciate it for that/
But the slippery element to all this, the inconsistencies...they worry me, truly. But I also know that he does have a shifting interior world, just like me, and so his views change relatively quickly. When will I be able to just relax with him again? I know I must not rush myself, that my heart will catch up with my head when it's ready.
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