Will my codependency trap me again?

I am co-dependent and too often I have chosen and stayed in relationships that were not for me. When I disliked something about my partner, I suppressed it, be it about their physical appearance, their personality or something else that just wasn't compatible.

I went out with people I wasn't really attracted to, who held views I abhorred, whose sexual preferences were questionable, whose education/jobs/life prospects were a world apart, and so on and so forth. Disastrous. Painful to remember. I even married someone with whom I was ultimately mismatched.

Now I am dating someone who I really like a lot and to whom I am definitely physically attracted. Phew. However, there are issues, as there are in any relationship. When these flare up,  I become afraid: Am I compromising because I fear being alone again? Where is the line between accommodating and just yielding? 

Some aspects to our communication irk me. He rarely expresses his feelings, and even though he is loving in other ways, I am discovering that I am someone who needs a certain amount of WORDS to feel connected, loved. This does not mean a grand "I love you" every five minutes - little expressions of affection and appreciation here and there would do fine, but he employs these incredibly sparingly. So far I have coped because I can tell he likes me by other means, and he has improved a little after we discussed it a few times. I don't want to be on his case about it too much as it defeats the purpose and he becomes quite defensive and shuts down.

Why is he so mute? Does he not feel as much as me in general or is he just not that into me? He did not get much affection as a child, I know that much, but then neither did I. I guess I went to the other extreme of being overly expressive. I probably badger him far too much about this and it blows up when we have a problem or I am not doing so well. 

 Is this one of the instances where it is worth me accommodating? Am I selling myself short again? I know it is in my co-dependent nature to put up with shit I don't actually want to have to deal with - like feeling unloved - but I have started to look out for myself, and here is an attempt to that effect. 

The first, most important question is whether or not I am being abused again. Well, so far nothing has happened that contravenes my values. He is not interested in controlling me and he is not withholding affection to manipulate me, I am fairly certain of that. 

Now, what about me, Rosamunde? Do I want a relationship with someone like that? Well, if I saw a profile on a dating website that said: struggles to be affectionate or to express his feelings, does not like talking about the relationship he is in more than a few minutes at a time, can't handle displays of strong negative emotions in his partner - I would be completely put off. 

But it would also say: is kind-hearted, friendly, caring. Likes laughing and silly humour, animals and children. Is gorgeous. Hot in bed, very attentive, experimental and passionate. Needs looking after sometimes. Very practically talented, generally undaunted by physical tasks. Has strong passions and interests.

See? It's not as simple as it seems. I guess all I can do is to keep asking myself these questions, to ask myself what I want and try to be honest and then act with integrity towards myself. But when do I know I have reached a limit? What is a limit? 

I suppose if our differences lead to more unhappiness and dischord, and my mental health and ability to function becomes affected, then I will have to end it. The trouble is that when down or in distress, I am least likely to end a relationship. That requires strength. I suppose I have to trust in those moments that I will get through it, but I am so afraid of the pain that follows, it feels like being burnt alive. I know I can survive it, I have learnt that, but I still cannot tolerate it any better. 

Anyway, it's late. A good and tranquil night to everyone.

Rosamunde