Today I received the latest phone call from a good friend who was in an overwhelming, unbearable state of fear and confusion over her relationship.
She said she was unnerved by her partner because she felt he was not responsive enough, that he replied too little, too late to her messages, and that only her repeated "reminders" could move him into action. She felt that perhaps he no longer wanted to be with her, and she was absolutely terrified he was going to leave.
My friend is very, very dear to me, so I don't mind that this is the umpteenth time I receive such a call from her. I feel very grateful that I am able to help, even if sometimes I struggle and have to work hard to stay present and compassionate. I have found that when I am in no state to engage, it is best that I don't answer the phone when she rings.
Today, however, I felt I had to be a little tough. For the first time something became clear to me, about her problems but also about my own: There are relationship issues concerning the couple that need to be figured out together, adult to adult, of course with outside help if necessary. Communication is just one of them.
However, I certainly have experienced what my friend is going through: A problem one should be able to sort out in a mature and compassionate conversation, escalates into a gigantic existential crisis that nearly sinks the whole relationship.
This is because, if you have very little self esteem (and depression, anxiety etc), then your ability to cope with the discomfort of uncertainty around a partner is severely restricted. The terror of being abandoned, the fear and pain, are just too overwhelming. It feels, literally, like drowning.
This is co-dependency, dependency, fear of abandonment, love addiction...I could go on.
So I had to spell something out to her that I have been lucky to see first-hand this year:
Until she begins to heal her core, until she seeks treatment for her depression and anxiety, until she builds up her self-esteem and learns how to self-nurture and self-love, she will always be vulnerable to this kind of intense suffering and unhappiness.
Her relationship may survive and stabilise, as my marriage did for many years. My ex and I solved many relationship problems together, and I thought I was happy for a long time -- but underneath I was trapped, trapped by my fear of being left, and by my fear of leaving.
I still struggle -- perhaps once a week I go through a day or two where I am consumed by a burning fear or sadness to do with my relationship. I can be jealous and possessive, manipulative and oversensitive, because I suddenly feel not good enough, that my boyfriend will certainly leave me.
It usually takes me another day to unfreeze myself, to remember how to let go, to release my heart and my mind. Then I come back to what I knew all along: I cannot control whether he wants to be with me or not, and this is okay. The uncertainty, not knowing what will happen, may be uncomfortable, but it will not kill me.
I want him to be free, only then will I feel truly happy and fulfilled in this relationship. The more I cling, the more I drive him away, and I also lose my own ability to choose him.
What changed? One huge thing: I began to address my mental health, seriously. This is not because I am particularly clever or responsible: The fact is, I hit rockbottom and was forced to get help.
For me, tackling my mental health issues meant going on medication (I am still on Lithium and Venlafaxine) and embarking on intense therapy for almost three years so far, including EMDR, which I am still doing.
Other things that are helping include attending SLAA, and I also read what I could on the subjects that I felt were relevant to me: Childhood trauma, books on bipolar and borderline personality disorder, love addiction, co-dependency, sexual abuse, intimacy issues, family and romantic relationships and so on.
Luckily my friend understood what I was getting at, and hopefully she will take action and stay committed to herself and take responsibility for her own well-being. If she doesn't, I will keep trying to help her, as I will try to keep helping myself!
Happy New Year to you all!
With much love,
Rosamunde
She said she was unnerved by her partner because she felt he was not responsive enough, that he replied too little, too late to her messages, and that only her repeated "reminders" could move him into action. She felt that perhaps he no longer wanted to be with her, and she was absolutely terrified he was going to leave.
My friend is very, very dear to me, so I don't mind that this is the umpteenth time I receive such a call from her. I feel very grateful that I am able to help, even if sometimes I struggle and have to work hard to stay present and compassionate. I have found that when I am in no state to engage, it is best that I don't answer the phone when she rings.
Today, however, I felt I had to be a little tough. For the first time something became clear to me, about her problems but also about my own: There are relationship issues concerning the couple that need to be figured out together, adult to adult, of course with outside help if necessary. Communication is just one of them.
However, I certainly have experienced what my friend is going through: A problem one should be able to sort out in a mature and compassionate conversation, escalates into a gigantic existential crisis that nearly sinks the whole relationship.
This is because, if you have very little self esteem (and depression, anxiety etc), then your ability to cope with the discomfort of uncertainty around a partner is severely restricted. The terror of being abandoned, the fear and pain, are just too overwhelming. It feels, literally, like drowning.
This is co-dependency, dependency, fear of abandonment, love addiction...I could go on.
So I had to spell something out to her that I have been lucky to see first-hand this year:
Until she begins to heal her core, until she seeks treatment for her depression and anxiety, until she builds up her self-esteem and learns how to self-nurture and self-love, she will always be vulnerable to this kind of intense suffering and unhappiness.
Her relationship may survive and stabilise, as my marriage did for many years. My ex and I solved many relationship problems together, and I thought I was happy for a long time -- but underneath I was trapped, trapped by my fear of being left, and by my fear of leaving.
I still struggle -- perhaps once a week I go through a day or two where I am consumed by a burning fear or sadness to do with my relationship. I can be jealous and possessive, manipulative and oversensitive, because I suddenly feel not good enough, that my boyfriend will certainly leave me.
It usually takes me another day to unfreeze myself, to remember how to let go, to release my heart and my mind. Then I come back to what I knew all along: I cannot control whether he wants to be with me or not, and this is okay. The uncertainty, not knowing what will happen, may be uncomfortable, but it will not kill me.
I want him to be free, only then will I feel truly happy and fulfilled in this relationship. The more I cling, the more I drive him away, and I also lose my own ability to choose him.
What changed? One huge thing: I began to address my mental health, seriously. This is not because I am particularly clever or responsible: The fact is, I hit rockbottom and was forced to get help.
For me, tackling my mental health issues meant going on medication (I am still on Lithium and Venlafaxine) and embarking on intense therapy for almost three years so far, including EMDR, which I am still doing.
Other things that are helping include attending SLAA, and I also read what I could on the subjects that I felt were relevant to me: Childhood trauma, books on bipolar and borderline personality disorder, love addiction, co-dependency, sexual abuse, intimacy issues, family and romantic relationships and so on.
Luckily my friend understood what I was getting at, and hopefully she will take action and stay committed to herself and take responsibility for her own well-being. If she doesn't, I will keep trying to help her, as I will try to keep helping myself!
Happy New Year to you all!
With much love,
Rosamunde
No comments:
Post a Comment