Strange feelings: A new relationship

I have been in a new relationship for just over four months now, the first since I left my husband two years ago. For most of those two years, dating anyone was unthinkable. There were times when a random male face or voice on public transport could make me panic, like a switch being flicked. The thought of sex repulsed me and I couldn't imagine ever meeting anyone who I would want to touch or be touched by, let alone whom I could trust. 

They were dark days but in a way they also served me well. I was able to turn inward, to become a freely floating entity, not attached to anyone. 

I entered SLAA and began to evaluate my past relationships, including my marriage, realistically, without blaming myself. SLAA's concept of bottom lines - i.e. identifying your addictive behaviours and abstaining from them - is a very powerful tool. It allowed me to see my life had been determined by my pursuit of "fixes" - mainly in the form of validation and support from men and relationships. 

So when I started feeling better earlier this year, I was hesitant to start dating again. I feared I would use people to prop myself up and enter the addictive patterns again. And yet, I wanted and needed the contact, physical and emotional, so I decided to go ahead. 

My worst fears did come true: I became hopelessly hooked on people I hardly knew, I had risky sex, I was hurt. But I had awareness, and with that handful of guys and my various experiences with them, I learnt a huge amount about myself. I started to practice making choices: I practised saying 'no' or indeed 'fuck off!" when I felt a lack of respect or something didn't conform to my values. I was delighted when I saw that I could handle the consequences. I saw how at the heart of my addictive behaviour was the belief that I couldn't handle my painful emotions by myself. 

I still felt like i needed a man to make it all better, to make life bearable. You could argue that because of this my time in SLAA was a waste, but I think the contrary: I had to go out into the real world and test it all out, put it into practice. And so I saw that I could face life on my own.

Luckily I bounced back from each bad experience quickly because I knew I was experimenting and could treat myself with compassion. 

When I met my boyfriend, I trusted him instantly (although this is not unusual for me!) and he was attractive, very available and there was a very lovely chemistry. 

At the same time, the pain was overwhelming. I couldn't understand it - it was like I was being dunked in acid, mental torture and I debated ending it. Everything triggered me: him being late, talking about his exes, sex, minor disagreements, the uncertainty of a new relationship, and so on. 

I was already emotionally volatile and being with someone new - who was not abusive! - confronted me with the past and made me constantly process memories. It was not easy. I was also not as far along in my therapy as now (I have had some EMDR since) so things in general were choppier. 

Discussions around my health, therapy and medication dominated everything, and I could see it was beginning to affect him, and me too. We broke up briefly, but when we got back together everything changed for the better. I think it was a combination of my therapy really taking root and some of the things I had learnt on my own and through SLAA sinking in.

My health is still an important topic, but it no longer dictates so much of our lives. My pain is better - less strong, less constant. I am more able to live in the moment with him, and less likely to try to pump him for validation when I am feeling low or needy. 

In those moments, I try to sit with the feeling, the emptiness, the discomfort. I try to open my heart, to stream outwards, rather than seeking a fix from another person or substance. It is just a feeling, it will not kill me. It doesn't always work because sometimes I am just completely overwhelmed. 

I have developed jealousy towards his past and his exes, with whom he is still on good terms. In theory I think that's great, a testament to what a mature and nice person he is. But I struggle with it, I struggle with the fact that he is grown man with a past of his own that is much less dysfunctional than mine. I feel threatened by this, like it will eclipse me. I start imagining I am not attractive enough for him, that all his exes were skinnier, prettier and so on - the usual crap I think, but so eroding nonetheless. 

And when I don't see him for a while, my trust in him starts declining. I become angry with him, for no reason at all. I feel as though he has left me, betrayed me, hurt me, when he has done none of those things. It even goes as far as me feeling that I hate him. 

I find this bizarre because actually I feel immense joy at having him in my life, and have growing feelings for him. And yet there are these shadows of dark and negative feelings snaking around in my body and mind. They put me in a black mood and I feel like I smoked a pack of Marlboro and gargled on whiskey. 

I have not quite figured this out yet. I try to combat the negativity with the same techniques of mindfulness and so on, but I think these feelings must be deeply engrained insecurities and image-problems that are hard to dislodge.

I will keep working on it.