I have had a challenging week on several fronts. There's trouble with my ex, who has found out I am dating someone (two years after we broke up!), some stress at work, minor but nonetheless hugely triggering issues with my boyfriend, and some other stuff. The first few days were alright - I was still very positive overall and just kept problem solving and working to stay grounded, connected to myself, grateful and compassionate. I managed to maintain my mood for a while this way but then, as new challenges kept emerging. a kind of swing occurred and I began to feel uneasy and troubled all of the time. The familiar feelings returned: Everythjng became an effort, like wading through treacle, and I began once more to shy away from any films, books, music, social media (Facebook!) that might trigger me.
I was worried that some of the progress I had made had been lost, and that this would negatively affect my relationship, which has really flourished during my recent progress. But this week I had that burning, hollow feeling again, which comes out as a need for affection, kindness from my partner, but which I think in my case is more of a desire to soothe my pain with someone else's touch, to blot out whatever is troubling me. This is the problem which is also addressed in SLAA: We end up using people for this, thinking it is "love" but in fact it is not a genuine exchange of emotion or intimacy, but just one person trying to self-medicate through another human.
I was quite disturbed by myself in recent days, because I really saw this illusion of live brought on by neediness in action, clearly laid out. Whenever I was tempted to pour out affection (impulsive "I love you's" and the like) I could see how this desire actually arose from the need to be soothed and rescued. The wish to say it (and hear something back) wells up from a painful, raw, self-pitying part of me, deep in my chest. It says: "I love you!" But then it is also saying "Please help me, hold me, get me out of this hell, make it stop, come back, don't leave me."
How did I end up this way and why is it important?
I think I was never shown, as a child, pure love for who I was. I was praised for achievements in school or the like, but I was made to believe that I was not really likeable as a person. I had few rights because everything was diminished or dismissed: my emotions, need for privacy, my opinions, my relationships to the outside world. There was seemingly no capacity to accommodate me as a complete human being, only certain bits of me that obeyed and did well.
So to start with, I don't have a model for love and intimacy, respect and boundaries. I guess I filled that void with all the skewed and misleading information from the media and Hollywood, and I experimented. But the experiments were dangerous and often ended in difficulties. This had repercussions on my mental health and the problems began to grow way over what I was able to comprehend.
Anyway, you could ask why such a seemingly minute detail from my life as me noticing the exact moment where my love illusion can manifest itself is significant. The answer is simple: moments like that used to dictate my life events! I got together with my ex because of it and was with him for years and years. We had a wonderful child but the relationship also ended with me being severely emotionally abused.
I am glad that I have mostly avoided the same trap in my current relationship, that I took the space available to find this out for myself. I have not said "I love you" and I am ok with waiting until it feels right.
I was worried that some of the progress I had made had been lost, and that this would negatively affect my relationship, which has really flourished during my recent progress. But this week I had that burning, hollow feeling again, which comes out as a need for affection, kindness from my partner, but which I think in my case is more of a desire to soothe my pain with someone else's touch, to blot out whatever is troubling me. This is the problem which is also addressed in SLAA: We end up using people for this, thinking it is "love" but in fact it is not a genuine exchange of emotion or intimacy, but just one person trying to self-medicate through another human.
I was quite disturbed by myself in recent days, because I really saw this illusion of live brought on by neediness in action, clearly laid out. Whenever I was tempted to pour out affection (impulsive "I love you's" and the like) I could see how this desire actually arose from the need to be soothed and rescued. The wish to say it (and hear something back) wells up from a painful, raw, self-pitying part of me, deep in my chest. It says: "I love you!" But then it is also saying "Please help me, hold me, get me out of this hell, make it stop, come back, don't leave me."
How did I end up this way and why is it important?
I think I was never shown, as a child, pure love for who I was. I was praised for achievements in school or the like, but I was made to believe that I was not really likeable as a person. I had few rights because everything was diminished or dismissed: my emotions, need for privacy, my opinions, my relationships to the outside world. There was seemingly no capacity to accommodate me as a complete human being, only certain bits of me that obeyed and did well.
So to start with, I don't have a model for love and intimacy, respect and boundaries. I guess I filled that void with all the skewed and misleading information from the media and Hollywood, and I experimented. But the experiments were dangerous and often ended in difficulties. This had repercussions on my mental health and the problems began to grow way over what I was able to comprehend.
Anyway, you could ask why such a seemingly minute detail from my life as me noticing the exact moment where my love illusion can manifest itself is significant. The answer is simple: moments like that used to dictate my life events! I got together with my ex because of it and was with him for years and years. We had a wonderful child but the relationship also ended with me being severely emotionally abused.
I am glad that I have mostly avoided the same trap in my current relationship, that I took the space available to find this out for myself. I have not said "I love you" and I am ok with waiting until it feels right.
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