Enough therapy?

Today my therapist and I discussed whether I should stop having therapy, after more than a year of working together. I have been thinking about this recently because whereas I used to count the days between our sessions, but now as the appointment approaches I find myself thinking that I don't really need to go.

What has changed? I think the main development is that I feel I can cope much better with difficult situations and people than before. My moods are more even, my anxiety is almost gone, and my intrusive thoughts and memories are greatly reduced and not nearly as distressing.

It's not that I have "finished" anything - I am still healing from everything that happened and still have much work to do. But at least for now I can live in the present, and understand and take things as they are. I am more grounded, more realistic. Life as a whole feels much lighter, not so oppressive and dangerous, threatening.  I am no longer hostage to every passing thought or sight or experience. I have learnt that I canexercise choice over when to engage emotionally and when not to. 

Of course I am nervous that without therapy things could go awry. This could happen at any moment. What if my emotions start becoming volatile again, what if I have relationship problems and I am triggered into all the old places again, what if my ex starts acting up again and I become afraid....I could go on. But then my therapist cannot save me from life's knocks, from life itself. And I think now I am now more able to help and support myself - or I know where and how to access it. 

I have my friends, to whom I am closer than before recovery, largely because I am able to be more honest about myself and because I can listen and empathise better with them. I have a lot of resources - books and websites, blogs and so on, that I can read and get help from. 

Crucially I have SLAA. There is always a meeting I can go to, full of people looking honestly at themselves, bravely dealing with their difficulties, still alive and full of hope. I will keep going to meetings and doing the step work, because I need to for my recovery, but also because it allows me to stay in touch with my inner self. When I feel disconnected from myself, a meeting is the perfect remedy, better than therapy. It keeps me honest and non-judgemental of myself and others.  I am frankly in awe of many people in SLAA, I admire their strength and honesty, their willingness to share and to listen. It's like the very act of attending is an affirmation of humanity - yes, I am worth looking after, I deserve help, I deserve to get better, to heal and then to grow and thrive, and so do all these other people. 

I was fascinated at a recent meeting to hear people share about their relationship with their higher power. To an outsider it would have sounded odd, because the flexibility of the programme has when it comes to the definition of God/higher power is not immediately apparent.  You have to delve a bit deeper into the literature and talk to other members to find out how varied people's interpretation of this concept is. Everyone applies it in a slightly different way. I will write about this at a later date.

Getting back to my therapy, this last year has been eventful and much has changed. It's interesting to me that I feel strangely shy in front of my therapist, even though he must know me rather well by now. The sessions never felt like "home", they were always a temporary support, and I think I prefer this. It makes it easier - and in fact am exciting prospect - to let them go. 

My relationship with him has changed a lot. At the beginning I wanted him to protect me like a father figure, I wanted his approval and even some affection. But we spoke about this openly right at the start and after that it didn't bother me again. 

It's strange that I can't remember much of our sessions. It's like all the healing has been absorbed and assimilated in my brain resulting in an overall feeling of being better. A lot of tapping went on, and some EMDR, although not much, as far as I know.

Anyway, so it seems likely that I will stop therapy soon. This is exciting news and it feels like a big milestone. It means I am better, that I can look after myself - in theory. 

I still have a couple of sessions scheduled and hope to use those to help me with some of the memories and issues surrounding the abuse by my ex. The way it seizes me so completely when I have relationship problems now with my boyfriend is really quite disturbing.

Anyway, would love to hear from you if you have any thoughts or experiences to share.