Relationship drama, relationship peace

Since leaving my husband after nearly 10 years together and going into recovery in SLAA, I have naturally given a lot of thought to what kind of relationship I want for myself going forward. 

I could see what had gone wrong before. There was a profound disconnect between my actions and my values and aspirations, one that I wasn't even aware of. I pursued, slept and went out with people I wasn't attracted to, who were too old, too different, unsuitable, unavailable, who treated me badly. 

All I wanted was someone to save me, to protect me, to make it all stop, and that is exactly what my then husband-to-be did for me. He was insanely jealous and controlling, but also there for me through every mood swing, every bad dream, every panic attack. He soothed me like a baby, nursed me back to health like a sick bird. As long as he was around, I was ok. He could protect me from my own mind, which appeared to be attacking itself. We fought a lot during this time, over my exes, my feelings, the boundaries of our relationship. My emotions felt dangerous to me, like a threat. I had moved from man to man without ever really getting over the previous relationship. I had much unfinished business, many regrets, many unresolved feelings.

He could not take this, and I tried to defend my right to feel what I wanted. Plates were smashed, laptops broken, tables overturned - mostly by him, but I began expressing myself like this too. Often I was desperate. I felt I could not survive if he left, and I think at the time this was not so irrational a thought.

Of course I would not have died but I was very young and very alone, and life would have been incredibly tough. I thought without him I would end up on the street. 

 I kept our difficulties and his controlling side secret from my friends because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle their disapproval. It would only destabilise me, I felt. Also I developed an extremely rigid sense of loyalty to him. It was us against the world and I could not say a "bad" word about him to anyone as this would be a betrayal. If I did utter a criticism or discussed our problems with someone else (which was extremely rare), I would not be able to face him again without confessing. Where did all this pressure on me come from? It's not like he ever explicitly told me to do any of those things. But I think he set the ball rolling, and then I ran with it. I knew if I didn't conform to his expectations - if I found someone else attractive, if I had unresolved feelings towards an ex, if I flirted with someone etc - he would leave me. Or so he always said. What would usually happen is that he would interrogate me for a couple of days, squeezing every last detail over my "transgression" out of me, asking me the same thing again and again and blaming me, berating me,  sometimes even depriving me of sleep. Now I see that he subconsciously (?) wanted me to break down, which after a while I inevitably did. I would cry helplessly, scratch my face and arms, and wish I was dead. Then he would scoop me up and "forgive" me, absolve me, tell me I was good and pure after all. Pretty sick. 

Anyway, needless to say, I don't want that kind of relationship again. And the person I am seeing now is nothing like this, thankfully. He does not hunt me, test me or interrogate me. He respects my right to privacy and an inner life more than I do his (I am trying to learn). Sometimes he felt too distant to me, but I am starting to see that this is someone whose self esteem is not entirely wrapped up in his relationship. He has other stuff going for him, other interests that sustain him and fulfil him. This helps me to do the same. 

I am not saying our relationship does not have its problems, but I am fairly certain there is no abuse towards me. Other dysfunctional aspects may arise or come to the fore at some point, and we will have to deal with them. Both of us had difficult childhoods and our fair share of trauma later on. 

But one thing that keeps me on my toes is the fear that, as a love addict, I am just with him for safety, for stability, so as not to be alone. That if I was stronger I would not be with him, that he is just "some guy". I don't entirely trust myself because of my past, when I was so unwell that I had virtually no choice who I ended up with. 

This insecurity in me is understandable but I don't want to let it sabotage my happiness. I want to take this relationship one day at a time. My dreams of another baby, of living together, they are for now just fantasy. That is okay, I am a woman in her early 30s and such wishes are only natural. And we make a good team, so I can see myself with him long-term. 

I just don't want to fall into that drugged sleep of someone in a relationship that doesn't suit them, for whatever reason. I don't want to be alive but dead on the inside, as I was in my marriage, denying my own life force, suppressing my spirit. 

For this not to happen, I have to keep going to meetings, keep working on my spiritual growth. I want to treat the relationship as a live thing with a soul, that must be nurtured and not taken for granted. And to live lightly, one day at a time, grateful for the chance to have a good time with someone so great.