The SLAA programme has taught me how to recognise my own part in my relationships and interactions with other people when things are difficult. How to define "my part"? Put simply by this I mean looking at my own actions and behaviour without any blame, and recognising their impact on myself and others.
The purpose is not to see who is at fault in any given situation, but where I am responsible. I check if I am being led by expectation, fantasy or wishful thinking. Am I being manipulative, trying to get something (usually it is emotional security or affection), am I being true to myself and what I want?
I will give you an example. Recently I did something nice for my boyfriend, or so I thought. Instead of being enthusiastic and happy as I expected (and wanted) him to be, he responded curtly, with little enthusiasm. Immediately I was upset - I blamed him for what I considered an inadequate reaction, berated him in my head for being so unemotional and disengaged. I didn't say this to him at the time.
But then I decided to examine my part in this situation I now found myself in, of anger and resentment, and I realised it was mostly down to the fact that I had been disappointed in my expectation of him and how he should react. And those expectations were MY responsibility, not his, as was their lack of fulfilment. It was my job to deal with my emotions around this, the disappointment and so on, and not dump it onto him to make it okay again. I calmed down considerably after realising this.
Of course it is not always that simple. This little episode was trivial really, but the same pattern occurs around really important things in relationships, deal breakers I guess. I think we have to distinguish between values and expectations. I have an expectation that he shows some gratitude and recognition when I do something kind for him, but this is not really a fundamental value of mine. A value would be that we always treat each other kindly, and when we fail to do so we make proper amends.
Seeing my part in what has happened to me in the past has been very liberating and helpful. It goes such a long way in removing the perception that one is powerless, a helpless victim. I married that man because I wanted to. I put up with his abuse because I knew no better, because I was in denial, and this was because of how I was raised. I was emotionally and neglected as a child and adolescent, and was willing to accept almost anything in exchange for security and love. I closed my eyes to stuff that according to my culture, my principles, my beliefs, I would have condemned. I am not saying I was not a victim. I was. I was extremely vulnerable, suffering from major depression and trauma and receiving almost no medical help, and this man was able to exert his control and subject me to his cruelty. To me he seemed better than nothing, in fact, he seemed perfect. I loved him, adored him, or so I believed. It is a very tricky thing. I have thought so many times in my life that I am in love with someone - after a day, or two, even! Such is the desire, the wish for it to be true.
Anyway, I made a lot of wrong choices, choices that also contributed to my vulnerability at the time. I smoked cannabis to excess, I drank, I worked in a nightclub and partied until dawn way too often, and I was promiscuous. I had unprotected sex, which led to a second abortion...it was a bad time. But I did all of those things, I chose them, nobody else. It is true I was driven unconsciously by grief and pain, and I wasn't aware at all of why I was behaving that way. I was like a passenger in my own body, watching me walk into one disaster after the next. But I can't blame anyone else. I can point the finger at my parents about the shortcomings in my upbringing and their care for me, and I do, all the time! But I can see now where the entity that was acting and interacting was nobody but me. And that feels good. I created some of this shit - it's better than having it all thrust upon me by others. It gives me some feeling of control and autonomy. Have a good weekend!
If you do read, please leave comments. I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences.
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