How SLAA helped me to see that I was manipulative

I am enormously grateful to be able to say that working the SLAA programme along with therapy and all my other reading and recovery work has resulted in a drastic improvement in my self-knowledge and self-awareness.

One of the areas that I have seen the biggest change in is my behaviour in romantic relationships, in particular how I used to manipulate the other person. Manipulation was such a bad word for me that the mere suggestion that I was manipulative would previously have unleashed waves of terror, shame, self-loathing and ultimately denial in me. Surely I was a "good" person and would not do something as evil and selfish as manipulate anyone, let alone my lover? 

That belief about myself alone shows me what a warped self-image I had, how proficient I was at lying to myself, how blind and deluded I was. Because I manipulated all the time, sometimes expertly, sometimes clumsily. Sometimes the other person would become aware and try to call me out on it, but I would deny everything. Other times they would dance to my tune. But all the while, I was completely unaware of what I was doing, which was to twist and contort myself into a being that would make the other person a) pity me, b) admire me for my supposed courage and stoicism, c) make them want to rescue/protect/care for me, d) give me affection/love/any emotion at all goddammit. These objectives informed much of my communication in my relationships. I say I was unaware, but I think subconsciously there was some knowledge of what I was doing, and this would trickle into my thoughts. For example, I could not figure out why I had such radically different personas. Around lovers I would become needy, weak, and turn into a little girl, often with my voice too. In the rest of my life I can be quite ballsy and opinionated, and how I was inadvertently shifting in and out of those roles did trouble me somewhat. 

It was only through SLAA, which makes you look at your own actions and motives with complete honesty, without shame or blame, that allowed me to say: yes, this is what I have been doing. And I also had the explanation for why I had been doing it straight to hand - my childhood and loveless upbringing. This allowed me to be compassionate towards myself, rather than condemning and berating my person. It is a way of looking at yourself, your past and present, in a non-judgemental way, without any of the vitriol that would have distorted our perception of things previously. 

I think this is what allows for true healing. It's not that I thereby absolve myself of these past actions of mine. I am responsible for them and the harm I caused people. But I am no longer in denial, which allows me to break the cycle, to stop behaving that way. 

It is a process, and I still have some way to go. My hunger for the affection, overt love and affirmation I missed out on as a child, my desire to be validated and have my ego to be propped up and cared for from the outside, will probably always be there. So I have to keep an eye on myself, and check my motives before communicating. Often I find that as my mood dips, I reach for my phone for a quick boost of comfort or validation, or my mind starts thinking of ways to elicit an emotional response from someone. I have enough awareness now to stop myself, and often, if I just do something else, the urge or need passes. Previously I would flatter a lover, profess my supposed affection of love for them in order to get something in return, or even bring up a negative subject evoking jealousy or resentment. 

How do I know when I am about to fall back into old habits of manipulating for an emotional fix? It's not that hard to identify most of the time. My mood drops like mercury in an thermometer, so that is already a first warning sign. Sometimes I provoke myself into a negative state, thinking or seeking out information about previous relationships (my own included) on the Internet. That really is a trigger for most people I think and I try to avoid it. I become irrationally resentful or angry towards my partner, about his past, about his autonomy. 

How to let go of this kind of behaviour? Well awareness of it is the first step. Examine yourself honestly and without blaming or shaming yourself. Being compassionate, not critical, is the vital next step. You are not a "bad" person, you acted this way because of your past. It is not your fault. Luckily you can now take responsibility and manage this behaviour because it is damaging both to you and other people. I talk to myself kindly and ask: what is it that you need right now? Will reaching out in this way help you achieve that? Learning to self-soothe, to practise coping on my own has also helped me see that it is possible and not as dangerous or painful as it may seem.

I hope this is helpful. Please ask questions, express your agreement or doubts in the comments below.