Nothing to lose

At the moment I am fortunate enough not to be in a crisis.  The situation with my ex has stabilised and I feel safe and supported. He has calmed down considerably and we have established a good routine to co-parent our child. His anger towards me is still there and bubbles to the surface often - but rather than fear for our safety I can mostly brush it off. His frequent attempts to control me are harder to handle because it feels like such an attack on my person, on my humanity. 

But again, I have learnt to handle my emotions around him better and not to let my mind spiral out of control with anxiety. 

My mental health has also improved. The wild mood swings are much, much reduced, and my anxiety - which came with a sort of parallel world of spooky shadows and terrifying creatures - has all but gone. 

There was a time I could barely tolerate being around my mother, even though I needed her desperately to help with my son and with my affairs, which I had abandoned when I became ill. She had not been supportive around the abuse, and appeared to side with my ex. This felt like an immense betrayal, and the rage and fear I felt towards her was overwhelming. I could not understand why she was throwing me to the lions, and coupled with my discoveries about my childhood in therapy, I felt I was living a nightmare. 

It's better now. I have not yet forgiven her for those times but she has sacrificed a lot for me and my son this past year, and I am able now to appreciate this more than before. 

Before, a few words from her could have me tumbling into an abyss of depression and distress that would take me days, weeks to recover from. A whole host of stuff would be triggered - memories from my childhood, teenage years, memories from the more recent past and the implications. 

Now her words no longer penetrate me so deeply. All that stuff is still there, but I can choose not to engage with it, not to stir it all up. I can say "not now, thanks" and walk away to get on with my day. I can also look at myself from the outside - where am

I right now? Can I hear my breathing? And I focus on the moment and how, right now, I am actually okay. 

I think these new abilities  have largely come from therapy, rather than SLAA. I have learnt that I am not at the mercy of my mind, my imagination. I can (mostly) turn it off and on. It is like a muscle I have to train, and I am still only at the beginning. 

Strangely I had to overcome some pride, some kind of 'sick person identity', to be able to slowly implement the new muscle, the handbrake, to stop the anxiety and wild thoughts. I had become used to being unwell, to being out of control and not taking responsibility for myself, and in a way this had become comfortable and familiar. Being well meant getting back to the real world and I wasn't sure I would be able to cope. Also my mind just didn't feel ready for this, it was like having to change gears and felt scary.  But once I jumped the first time, and then again and again, I saw that it was not difficult. I was lucky because I had excellent guidance, much support and I was educatin myself by reading voraciously, but most of all I had come to the realisation that I had nothing to lose by trying. 

Also, as I have mentioned before, I was and continue to be on a lot of medication, so that will also have helped.

I think SLAA provided me with the hope I needed that things would be alright. Contrary to group therapy at the hospital, there was at least as much sharing of success, gratitude and newfound happiness as there was of people's chaos, fear and distress. The members of the fellowship lead all sorts of lives. They are artists, businessmen and -women, medics, lawyers, journalists, students. Some are single or in relationships, many have children, and ages vary massively too. 

It showed me that someone with my kind of issues could carry on, and be happy and fulfilled again. 

Anyway, today I am incredibly grateful that I am not in a crisis. I am going to meet my friend from recovery Marilyn for lunch and we will no doubt talk about how drastically our lives have changed in just one year.